It is one thing to get 5-8 men to sit around a table and call themselves a group; it is a completely different thing to have them become a group. The goal is to create a place where the masks can come off, where men can share their hearts, reveal their feelings, confess their faults, disclose their doubts, admit their fears and are open to being accountable with one another. For this to happen, the leaders must intentionally develop a safe environment. In the same way a greenhouse provides the optimal environment for plants to grow, so we as leaders of men are to be the designers of environments for where they are able to grow. If you are serious about seeing your men grow and not just maintain the status quo, I suggest that you consider the following five qualities.
Authenticity: A small group should be a place where men can share their hearts with one another without the fear of being shamed, made fun of or looked down upon. Their level of vulnerability will be directly proportional to the vulnerability of the leader. For years, we would kick off our Discipleship Groups with a short retreat. Friday night was the evening the groups would meet for the first time and each man would have time to share his story for 10-15 minutes. I always instructed the leaders to go first and to be as vulnerable and real as possible. To bring the skeletons out of the closet and let the men know about the struggles, fears, and mistakes they had made in life. The affairs, struggles with pornography, angry outbursts, bankruptcy, wounds, failures, all of it. Men need to see authenticity and are looking for a place where they can be authentic. Men are sick and tired of having to hide behind their titles, their sports teams, positions and possessions. In order to foster this type of environment, keep in mind the principle of voluntary vulnerability, never forcing a man to share more than he wants to.
Acceptance: In a safe environment that allows growth, each person must be accepted for who they are and affirmed for their uniqueness and all that they bring to the group. Your men’s small group is a place where “no perfect people” are allowed. Every man that is a part of your group has struggles and secrets that no one else may know about. They want to be a part of a place where they are accepted for who they are; not what they do, what they own, or who they know. In working with professional baseball players for many years, this was something that took years to develop because for their entire lives, their acceptance was based solely on what they achieved and how they performed on the field. Over time, they came to believe my acceptance of them was not based on what they did the night before, but on who they were as men created in the image of God.
Affirmation: It is hard to find a place in our society where men are not beat up, made fun of and belittled. If there is one thing that they need more than anything, it is encouragement. Your study should be a place for them to be cheered, encouraged and supported. When one of them takes a step of faith they are cheered; when one of them says no to sin, they are encouraged; when one of them is going through a difficult time, they are supported. Encouragement is powerful. It has the ability to lift a man’s shoulders, to put a smile on his face and change the course of his day. Through a short text, phone call, strong handshake or hug, you can let that man know that you are on his team and that you have his back.
Confidentiality (is upheld): Maintaining confidentiality is something you must stress as you develop your group covenant. Its importance should be continually reinforced as you review your covenant. Everything that happens in your group, everything that is said within your group, must stay there. Above the clubhouse door of the Brewer Clubhouse is a sign that reads, “What you see here, hear here, stays here.” I would suggest that your group imagine that sign above the door of where you meet, and to enforce the understanding that a break in confidentiality will set the group back and may cause men to leave. Breaking of confidentiality will ruin the environment for sharing.
Relational: My good friend Vince D’Acchioli says, “It takes a relational environment for truth to become transformational.” Men, it is all about relationships. Jesus invited the disciples into a relationship, not a program. The environment where a man can share, grow, ask questions, and be vulnerable is in the context of a relationship. I urge you to consider these two things:
- During your time together, focus first on the relationships, and then the content being studied. Starting your group by sharing stories, building relationships and allowing vulnerability will lead to richer and deeper discussions as you grow together in God.
- Make it a point to spend time together outside of your regular group meetings. Relationships grow best with intentional time and care. And the more time you spend outside the group, the more effective the group will be.
Deep and lasting relationships take time; there is no way around it. Like plants in the spring that need good soil, fertilizer and consistent watering to grow, so men need an environment where they are accepted, affirmed, and can be authentic in order to grow and mature into fully devoted followers of Jesus.
